I confess I’m doing everything wrong… I’m doing everything the opposite of what I’m supposed to do.
If I should be doing it, I’m not. If I shouldn’t, it seems I am.
I shouldn’t miss him. I shouldn’t miss her. I shouldn’t miss them. I shouldn’t regret anything. I shouldn’t miss that life. I shouldn’t miss those hugs. I shouldn’t want them back. I shouldn’t see them in my dreams. I shouldn’t want them to miss me… the same way I miss them. But I’ll be damned if I don’t. I miss him so much it hurts. I miss them so much I cry to the point of sobbing quietly in my room, so no one can hear me. And then I wake up… and pretend none of it ever happened. I pretend I didn’t miss anyone, I never felt that pang, I never shed those tears. But that’s starting to hurt too.
I should move on. I should forget them all. I should leave them all in the past. I should find a new life. I should be doing something… anything… But I’m not. I can’t move on, because it hurts too much. Forgetting couldn’t happen even if I wanted it to. Leaving anyone behind is just not possible for me, and I don’t want a new life. I want them. I want him, and her, and them, like it used to be.
Is it so much to ask for, that I just want one tiny little break?
A break from the pain and mental fatigue all of this missing and hurting brings? A break from the constant stress of life, and the expectations everyone has of me? A break from the fucking poverty, and secrets, and lies? I’m tired of lying and making excuses for my family to my friends. I’m tired of pretending everything is fine and is getting better, because it ISN’T. I’m tired of wondering where my next meal is going to come from, or if I’m going to get a shower sometime in the next three months, or if I’m going to have to cut my hair again, or if I’m even worth knowing anymore. No one depends on me anymore. No one needs me for anything. No one values anything I could have to offer… so what am I worth? Everyone expects miracles from me, but if I can’t even find a suitable job to pay for food on the table, how am I supposed to make miracles?